When things get tough or when I know I’m about to go on a hard journey, I tend to wear something affirming.
Today I’m wearing this shirt because yesterday was hard, real hard, and it’s bleeding into today.
Have you ever had a good day and at the very end of the day it took a sharp turn?
Yesterday was that day. At 5PM PST, there was a shift. I still have a headache and I’m still trying to get back to 1.
A woman, a doctor (not my doctor), looked me in the eyes and said, “you should be proud of yourself”. And then there was a long pause and she held space for me. And I cried. And I’m still crying.
Since yesterday, I’ve been trying to figure out why something so affirming could hurt so bad. And I think I finally get it.
I should be proud of myself – But I’m breaking. I should be proud of myself but I’m sobbing. It’s like the very thing you have to do – The thing God’s Word requires – Is both good and incredibly heartbreaking at the same time.
What is this?
It’s an opportunity to grow. It’s a chance to be made new and it’s incredibly hard.
But make no mistake, I’m still grateful. Space was held for me yesterday and I needed it. And then it was held for me again this morning.
THANK GOD I already had a counseling appointment scheduled for today. I needed that talk this morning, I needed that cry.
I’m good at keeping it pushing and moving on to the next task but I’m trying to get in the habit of letting myself fall apart when I need to and that’s what I’ve been doing today.
I needed that space. I needed the space the doctor gave me, the space a friend held, and the space my therapist left open for me. I’m so grateful God lined everything up this way. I got the space I needed. I pray you get the space you need too.
Please go to therapy. If you’ve been waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT! You don’t even have to leave your house. There are more free options now, your church may have licensed therapists and of course, you can go through your insurance.
As someone who’s had a therapist off and on since 2010, I highly and wholeheartedly recommend it. Go get your healing. Get help dealing with today. You’ll thank you for it.
Hurting but hopeful,